trust

trust is defined as the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. however very few in the world have this ability to trust one another. i have no clue why this is but it happens.



im one of those few that dont trust many. the only boys who haevnt really hurt me in my life is my dad and brother and grandpa.

its hard to have trust for someone when they just hurt you.



how is it that when we are little be trust everyone, yet as we grow older and from what i think less wise, we learn to trust no one not even ourselves this has always been an odd concept to me.



knowing that you can not even trust yourself is this day and age is frightening.

we should be the only ones we can trust but we cant even do that.
trusting people we love is hard also.

but we as humans need to learn how to trust each other regardless of whats happend in the past. now im not the best at doing this i have trust issues from hell however im learning to trust!

Addiction

The word is a very heavey word to most, when they hear it, it takes them to some place where either they have been an addict or seen addiction first hand.

I myself have had my own addiction, I over came it to the point I am now, its no easy task.
I've witnessed it first hand, i've seen what drugs can do to a person, how it can so quickly and easily change a person, for the worst.

My choice of addiction or what I chose to abuse was Prescription drugs, something that is easily accesciable to everyone, something that is easily avaiable. 2.5 million people abuse prescripiton drugs just in the U.S. Not only have I used and abused these drugs I have also seen in happen in front of my face, its horrible to see someone crush up some pill and snort them just for the simple fact of running away from something. When I started to abuse them I was running away from things that I didn't want to face, I was scared of things going on in my life, I needed an escape. Thats what I believe most people who abuse drugs of any sort are doing running away from things in their life they are too afraid to face. Escaping from reality or the problems is the easiest thing to do, if you act like its gone then eventually you'll believe your problems are gone.

There are millions of people who die each year as a result of being addicted to something.
There is a great show on tv I watch it a lot, Intervention it comes on A&E monday nights I recommend you watch it, it'll change your perspective on those who have an addiction.

For a long time I thought taking pills would change how things in my life would play out, however once I realized it can't do that I became a happier person.
Abusing things can alter you life drastically and not for the better.

Having an addiction doesn't make you a bad person it doesn't make you a dumb person nor does it take away from the person you are, however it does make people do bad things, dumb things and alters peoples opinions of you which is not always good.

thoughts on life

I have been questioning life quite a bit lately not the fact of whether i want to live or not but i've been questioning exactly what is our purpose in live?

i believe my purpose is to help, its to teach people that its okay to be different, im way different compared to my friends, most of them do their hair and put on makeup, i on the other hand dont do this i find it actually i find it very pointless, i look at it like this if a man sees me without my makeup on and my hair done then he'll know exactly that what he sees is what he gets now if he sees me with makeup on the for the first time meeting he'll not know what to expect in terms of how ill look in the morning.

odd thoughts i know but to hell with it im done allowing my thoughts and beliefs to be subsided because everyone around me thinks differently im different and im okay with that.

i found this amazing quote today about life actually and it inspired me to write

"My philosophy is that its better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe and not to explore at all"

-sophia loren

this quote makes perfect sense to me right now.

as a senior in high school im going through a series of things where im finding out who i really am more of a find your self type of state of mind.

im really becoming who i want to be.

within a few months my life will change, for the better.

being who you are and finding who you are is one of lifes many great aspects.

trying to go out in the world not knowing who you truely are, not knowing who you are down to the core is one scary frightening thing, how can we survive in the real world without knowing who we are to show the world who we are?

now thats a loaded question.

think back to when you were 5 and your greatest fear was not being able to play outside not being able to run free and swing.

think back to when you were 12 and you were going through that awkward stage of life where your transforming from a kid to a young teenager..whoa drastic scary things.

now think ahead 5 years your 23 years old and your just getting out of college for most and your entering the work force you find a person you love settle down and have kids

bam you lose your job now reality sits in no job no money no way of providing for you children

now thats true fear, and thats truely scary and frightening.

im not looking forward to the scary aspects of life but the not so scary ones like college or worse not being able to become what i want to become.

life is hell.

life is shit.

and life is short.

but man its great....most days.

oddly enough ive learned to love my life and learn to deal with the fact that things cant always be what i want the to be nor can i have all the things that i want to have.

we have to face this scary haunting thought that life is not going to give us what we want.

we have to earn it, steal it, and pursue it.

What is love?

Its been a long time since i've posted anything.
but i've been so busy with school and things its been hard.

I recently bought a new cd the other day, what is love? by nevershoutnever.
I've fell in love with christofer drew ingle's voice no doubt about that.
he has a song on the album entitled What is love? and its really started to get me thinking what exactly is love?
to me its accepecting all the flaws and negative things that come along with a person, its not judging someone based upon their past, its forgiving the mistakes they have made, its allowing them to be a person, to be themselves, its putting all you have on the line to see them happy, its not giving up when things get hard, its finding who you really are without changing who you are, its one too many things mixed into one crazy complex yet simply spelled word, love.

i can honestly say i've loved someone unconditionally with no grudges with no regrets about anything that happened with him, with accepecting his past and the mistakes he made. i held him up when he thought he was going to fall. he helped me with so many things and i can never hate him. i wish things could have been different but everything does happen for a reason.

i doubt i'll ever find someone who can fully understand me as a person. i have one too many problems in my head.
however, i am a totally understanding person when it comes to certian people and things.

i hate being judged therefore i try not to judge.
i am a better person i have learned to be a better person

love has a funny way of changing us only because we want to change not because the one we love wants us to change we should never change because of someone else. never period.
people should love us for who we are not who they want us to be.
ive learned to accept the things i cannot change we all need to realize this, that we cant change things that are not supposed to be changed. one too many people think we can change how person thinks or acts we cant allow this to continue and we will be a better person.
if people want to change they will otherwise you cant do shit about it!

yet i do think we can change the world, let the world see that we can be peaceful and not have to turn to war to solve other countires problems we can't change that they can.
i do support our troops dont take that the wrong way.

What is love?
tell me what you think love is.

musicians part two

so its been a while since i've wrote but thats okay because i have been thinking of some good posts and i've come up with one!

i kind of interviewed a man by the name garrett grohman the lead singer for lions and vultures.

i asked him a series of questions and he gave me a series of answers which most are quite amusing.

i have a very weird fasication with musicans just a little fyi!

How long have you been in the current band you are in?

L&V been a work in progress for about a year

How drasticly has being in a band changed your life and/or your outlook on life?

if i wasnt playing music, id be a junior in college, or graduated from the conservatory of recording arts and sciences. that said, i wouldnt be as happy as i am trying to make my dreams a reality.

If you were not in a band or a lead singer what else would you want to do?
i want to be like ari gold from entourage.
How does your writing songs process go?

with L&V alex and tim demo the songs and send them to vince and i, where we arrange and write to them. its a lot of sending tracks back and forth to make sure everyone is happy with the final product

Where do you seek inspiration for your songs?

everywhere. real life mostly. i love to write to movies as well.

Do you have any pre-singing rituals that you do?

a few warmup things, a quick prayer, and i usually tap everyone in my band on the butt before we go on stage.

Are there times you wish you were not in a band?

probably once a month i have a mini meltdown where i convince myself that im not going anywhere, and im quitting music. it involves a lot of nail biting, and pacing around my room. i rely on close friends when that time comes.

What is going through your head while you are writing a song?
is this going to make sense to other people? if yes, is it going to be fun to play live? those are the 2 things i try and keep in mind when writing.

How long have you been intersted in being a musican?
since i was in high school. i was in 10th grade when i joined my school drumline, and shortly thereafter i bought my first drumset. senior year my friends and i decided we wanted to start a band. i wasnt very good at the drums, so i took over vocals.

What bands/singers have helped inspire you to be where and what you are today?
first and foremost, gerard way. if it wasnt for that dude and his band, i would still be listening to gangster rap. taking back sunday was a big one for me too. adam lazzara is one of my heros. more recently, ive been obsessed with counting crows, lydia, and the new 30 seconds to mars. jared leto spit in my mouth and threw me a rose at taste of chaos. i dont want to say that im waiting for a call from him... but it takes a lot of nerve to share such a beautiful evening with someone and never get back to them.

i appericate him doing this for me!

i've always wanted to semi get inside the head of a musican however he is the first one so far that i've asked to do this for me!

one of my dreams is to be married or have a long-term relationship with a musican of some sort!

odd i know not many girls would want that cuz of insecurites but i think i'll do just fine lol

the human mind is one complex thing yet if you get inside the mind of a creative person such as garrett you realize how much more complex the mind can get in terms of really truely understanding how things like that work.

but it is one of my many goals to really understand how a person works no i do not want to be a psychologist screw that i do however want to be able to interview or talk with many many musicans!

random useless information

thinking about music and how much of an impact it has had on my life is insane.

i am the girl who usually sits back in the corner unless i get mad. im a very reserved person.

yet once i hear music i become a completely different person one who wants to particpitate not be a person in the corner.

looking back on how many times ive used music to get me through the day is an immense amount. a number too high to count.

ive always had a thing for musicians and wish that i could be with one travel all over the world and just be there to support his ability. be proud of the achievements his band makes or reaches.

being apart of a world such a diverse and odd world amazes me.

its takes some great talent to make it in the world of music but it also takes enormous courage and bravery being able to take insult with a grain of salt is difficult and one must be prepared to take this with a grain of salt and not worry about how they treat you or how one record company hates your music or talent. would be very difficult for a person like me.

i think life is just one big lesson to be learned.

the things we are presented with each and every day brings new challenges every second we breathe. the lessons we learn each day affect each and everyone of our lifes in a huge way it all depends on how we take it and handle it that really matters in the end. if you took 10 people and presented them with the same problem the same resources and the same knowledge to handle the problem each and everyone of them would handle it and use what they have even though its all equal in a different way thats the beauty of being human no one person does things in the same manner as the next person.

i know for a fact that the way i handle things will never be the same way each time. i have a tendency to automaticallly jump to conclusions and get angry on the same note i have always been taught that no matter what the only thing you will ever need to truely solve any problem you are faced with is what you have on your own person.

i am an angry person both inside and out but on the same note i want world peace i want the fact that knowing i have nothing to worry about in my lifetime or in if i have them my childrens lifetime, knowing the world is at peace no fighting is a comforting thought.

in my english class today we talked about america being dominant and if we think within our lifetime america will no longer be dominant? i honestly think that in our lifetime we will not know nothing other then our nation being dominant however outside of our lifetime i do believe we will eventually see a decline in our power.

i am very opinionated person and the fact that most people out there have different opinions than most it upsets me how they can be so judgemental of others views or ideas.

if you choose to believe in God great for you im glad you have something you believe in.

on the same note if you dont believe more power to you dealing with those that do believe and with those who think its wrong to not believe once again we all have our own ideas and views.

thats part of having faith believeing in something with all your power all your heart and not caring what others think of what you believe.

which brings me to another point, the fact that we as humans tend to single one another out based on skin color or how we dress is very touchy to me.

i am not your typical girl i dont like wearing makeup i hate doing my hair and im perfectly content with the simple things in life including wearing sweats and staying at home watching movies instead of going out all the time.

i dont need all the hype and shit of going out.

way too much drama on the other hand going out once in a great while is nice too.

americans have become to dependent upon having to have the finer things in life.

what happened to simplicity!?!

what happened to saying i love you and meaning it?

what happened to being happy with one person not having to look elsewhere to seek what you want not need?

what happened to chivilary?

where all the gentelmen that died so many years ago?

will girls in this day and age ever get a gentlemen who treats her with the respect she deserves?

on the same note where are the girls who used to serve her man make sure they were taken care of in means of food and drinks!?

im the girl who will make sure your plate is full and your glass is full if you want that.

i was raised to take care of your better half that being nice and helping out in that manner is not wrong by any means.

i was raised that being on time is a must not a need!

with this being said i think im done ranting and raving on and on about how shit has changed a great deal!

love

has a funny way of completely messing up our heads.

im quite sure how it works.

how is it that the person we love more then life itself consumes our every thought day in and day out even after they are gone?

some how this continues to happen even though we have been hurt in the past. you would think we as humans would learn sadly enough though we fail to learn. thinking we are invincible is mistakenly wrong. we can be broken we can be hurt our hearts are very fragile yet we seem to still take risks. however life is way too short to not take risks.

i look back on the time i got my heart broken the worst yet ill never give up on him. someone please explain this to me. is it our conscience or our subconscience that allows us to develop this thought that we cant live life without "our one true love"? i think its a combonation of both.

we tell ourselves that we dont know how to live without them. but at the same time getting into a new routine after so many months of being in a certian routine that you began to know and love, i had the hardest time and still to this day i still reach for my phone in the morning to call him after seven months..in my opinion its very sad how someone an organism something so simple yet so complex can have such an impact upon someone elses life.

i dont think in my lifetime that people will ever learn to deal or accecpt the fact that its over. have i accepected it no i havent and ill be the first person who will admit that.

dont ever give up on something you cant go a day without thinking about. never give up hope that someday you will be truely happy. i havent given up yet nor will i unitl i know for a fact that level of happiness cannot be reached..i will defiy the odds and complete the impossible. sounds so realistic or unrealistic thinking about how you can reach what seems impossbile. but nothing is impossible!

we all have a purpose in life the goal is to find out what yours is and fullfill that purpose to the best ability and with what knowledge you have to its fullest.